University Roommates (Restart)

Emily:
"Be what way?" I asked. "I'm not asking you to be any way with me..." I said. I took a breath and took the remaining two steps till I was right in front of him. If he was gonna insist he didn't take touching me, then I was gonna test it. I very slowly reached my hand out till it was resting on his chest. Then I trailed that hand upwards, grazing the side of his neck with my fingertips and stopping at his jaw. "Just don't push me away...that's all I want." I whispered.

Ashton:

My breath came shallowly when she stepped up to my and my eyes slid closed when she touched me. It took all I had not to shiver when her fingertips trailed over my neck. I reached up to wrap my hand around her wrist. I should have moved it away, but I couldn't bring myself to. Instead, I held it where it was. "I can't do this," I said again. She could probably feel my heart beating harder from the pulse in my throat.

Emily:
"You dont have to do anything," I whispered. He hadn't shoved me away yet and while I didn't want to press my luck, I did want to push just a little. He hand was gripping my wrist so I just gently stroked my thumb along the base of his jaw.

Ashton:

I opened my eyes to search hers.  Why was she doing this?  Did she know what effect it had on me?  Intellectually I knew this was wrong, but the rest of me enjoyed it.  My hand glided from her wrist to the delicate skin at the crook of her arm.  Push her away, shouted my mind while my body whispered, closer.  I was paralyzed by the conflict within me.

Emily:
I could see him struggling with something. I just didnt know what. With him not grabbing my wrist anymore, i moved my hand up to his hair and gently ran my fingers through it. "Please dont this again," i whispered. If he pushed me away again, i might not recover.

Ashton:

I sighed deeply. "What do you want me to do, Emily?" I said finally. I couldn't push her away if she was begging me not to. There was no way out of this situation without hurting someone.

Emily:
I frowned. That wasnt what i wanted, thats for sure. "Nothing" I said. "I dont want anything" i mumbled, dropping my hand from his head. I stepped back and moved to the fridge to grab the water I came for and turned to go back to the couch, my shoulders slumped.

Ashton:

I watched her go with a pit in my stomach. I felt like crap now, in more way than one. There was no way to fix this. No matter what I did, she was going to get hurt. My eyes followed her to the couch as I turned.

"Em... I feel like no matter what I do I'm messing up. I don't know what more I can do without you getting hurt. I don't know what you want, but I'm not the person you should be looking to. You're not ever going to be happy with me," I said while gripping the edge of the counter.

"thats been the problem this whole time" i said, turning around, frustrated. "You think you know everything thats gonna happen. But you dont," i said. "Just do whatever you wanna do," i said, shaking my head with a shrug. "If its this hard for you, maybe you dont wanna be friends. I'll stop pushing it. I've learned my lesson" I said, bitterly.

Ashton:

"Fuck, Em." I leaned forward on the counter with my head in my hands. "I care more for you than I do for anyone else... I love my sister, but I've never had anything close to what I have with you. And that scares me because every good thing that comes into my life turns to shit by my own doing. I don't want to ruin you, but I know the closer I get to you the more likely it is for that to happen. I don't know what to do anymore," I said with my hands still over my face

Emily:
I stayed still on the couch. "You dont know thats gonna happen" i frowned. "I keep telling you that all i want is for you to do what you want. If you dont think this is worth, it then tell me now," i said. I couldnt keep putting myself out there to be shot down.

Ashton:

"Why do you even what to be my friend when I put you through this?" I looked at her over the bar. She didn't listen to me when I told her what I was. I didn't know what else too do.

Emily:
I rolled my eyes. "Is it a crime to like you around here?" I asked, my voice still bitter and snippy.

Ashton:

"You don't even know me," I snapped. "You didn't like me when I was on the back porch smoking. I doubt you would like me if I came in here every night high off meth. I doubt you would like me very much if I had beat that guy's face in last night. Or if I brought a different girl in every weekend. You wouldn't like me if the only time I was sober was the first couple hours in the morning after I woke up." My shoulders shook slightly from the tension in my muscles. "I've done all of that and more."

Emily:
I stood up in anger. "No i wouldn't like it if you did those things!" I snapped. "But youre a better person than you think you are! You didnt hit that guy. You dont sit around doing drugs all day! As far as I know, the only girl you sleep with is ME when youre too drunk to remember why you hate me!" I yelled back just as loud. "Youre better than your past..."

Ashton:

"That past was less than a year ago. I've been sober all of six months, and half of that was spent in rehab! People don't change just like that. I am still that person, I just haven't relapsed yet. You can't say what kind of person I am purely based on a couple months!" What could I do to make her get this? "And I swear to God if you say that I hate you one more time..."

Emily:
"You know whats good about having a friend?!" I yelled. "They're there for you if youre going through something hard! Thats not a bag thing!" I said, angrily pushing my bangs out of my face. "I dont know what you think i cant handle it if you make a mistake. Im a big fucking girl!" I told him. His open threat only made me angrier and i put my hands on my hip. "What? What are you gonna do?" I challenged.

Ashton:

I hit my hand down on the counter three times, if I had been next to the wall, I would have punched it. "I don't fucking hate you, Emily! I love you. Why the fuck do you think I'm so concerned about hurting you? If I didn't care about you, it wouldn't matter!" I shouted at her. It had all come out in a rush before I could think of what I was saying. When it dawned on me, my anger was replaced by mortification and with a sharp breath, I turned away so my back was facing her.

Emily:
For a second, it's like the anger was shocked out of me and I just stared and him with my mouth open. But then my frustration came back in full force and I stomped over to him and if he wasn't so much bigger than me, I might have pushed him. I kept going until I was standing in front of him. No way he was gonna hide from me. "You can't say that and then turn your back on me!" I said, searching his face. "You can't say the one thing I've been wanting to hear from you for weeks, and then turn around like you regret saying it." I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. "If you love me, then you maybe understand how frustrating it might be if someone you loved acted like they didn't even wanna be in the same room with you half the time!" I said, not even realizing that my words proved that I loved him too.

Ashton:

I looked at her miserably, just shaking my head. I was in denial of it. She couldn't have wanted to hear that. She couldn't have the same feelings. I couldn't act on it. "I didn't mean to say that," I said helplessly.

Emily:
I stared at him for several long seconds and felt my breath start to hitch like I was gonna cry. "You didn't mean to say it?" I whispered. "Well thats one hell of an accident," I said, feeling hurt and stupid. I shoved past him and went back to the couch and started gathering my computer from the table so I could take it back to my room. I was shaking with the force it took to not cry.

Ashton:

I didn't know how to deal with this. I was utterly lost. No matter what door I opened or closed, one or both of us were going to get bit. When she went back to her room, I didn't stop her. I meandered around the kitchen and living room for a while, berating myself for what had happened. Eventually, I found myself at her door, but I couldn't bring myself to knock. Instead, I wound up sitting against the wall in the hallway.

Emily:
I went back to my room and slammed everything down on my desk. I paced the floor and bit my lip as stupid tears fell down my face. He was so confusing. One minute he acted like he couldn't stand me, then next he was telling me he loved me and I didn't know what to believe. In the middle of pacing, I stubbed my toe on my best post and let out a scream and fell. On the floor, I gripped my toe and sobbed, even though it didnt really hurt that badly. Kick me while i'm down, God.

Ashton:

I heard her yelp and crawled over to her door. I tapped a knock at the bottom. "Emily? Are you okay?" I asked miserably. She had every reason to shout at me and turn me away. In fact, I almost wanted her to.

Emily:
I ignored the knock and wiped at my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. If I was being honest with myself, the stubbed toe wasn't anything to cry about. Him saying he didnt mean to say that he loved me? That one hurt. It seemed like I put myself out multiple times and he shut me down everytime. If he wanted any kind of relationship with me other than roommates, he would have to make an effort.