University Roommates (Restart)

Ashton:

I disagreed with her. There was no other valid reason for the things I did. I closed my eyes. “It’s late,” I said. I never showered, in fact I was dirtier now than I had been coming home from work, what with the distraction. I still felt guilty for using her like that. It was wrong. “We should get some sleep.”

Emily:
I sighed and nodded. It was getting late. But i was worried if I shut my eyes that he would get out of bed and think more about this. I moved closer to him and laid my head on his shoulder. I pressed my face into his neck and placed a kiss there. "Goodnight. I love you," I whispered.

Ashton:

“I love you too, Em,” I murmured and kissed her head. I didn’t leave her in the night. I tried to sleep as best I could but I woke up frequently. I gave up when light filtered in through the window. I carefully climbed out of bed so as not to disturb Emily. For a moment, I stood by her bedside and watched her. She was beautiful while sleeping though, to be fair, I thought she was beautiful always.

I left her room with fresh guilt in my heart. Last night I had done wrong by her. I went for my regular morning run but I stayed out much longer than normal. I couldn’t help but dwell on the past and worry about the future.

Emily:
When I woke up in the morning, Ash was gone and my heart sank. I rolled over and checked the time and yawned when I saw it was still pretty early. I got out of bed and slipped on his shirt that was laying on the floor. 

With bare feet, I padded into the living room, to check if he was in there, even though I knew he wouldnt be. I dont know why my head jumped to the worst possible conclusion, that he might be out doing something bad. I tried to calm down and rationalize. He was probably just out on a run, or running an errand.

Ashton:

When I finally came home I found Emily waiting in the living room. “Hey,” I said softly. “You’re up early.” Usually there was enough time to go for a run and shower with plenty to spare. She didn’t look happy. I groaned internally. I badly didn’t want to talk about last night. I wanted to put everything behind and somehow go back to the way things were.

Emily:
I stood up when he opened the front door and tugged his shirt down to cover all the necessary bits. Its easy to forget whats decent when you're alone. 

I shrugged and looked at him. "I guess I was just having trouble sleeping," I mumbled. He looked alright, which made me feel a lot better. "Its weird waking up and you being gone," I told him.

Ashton:

“I’m usually back long before you’re awake,” I said. I went over and hugged her. “I’m going to shower,” I said kissing the top of her head and letting her go. “Also, that shirt isn’t the cleanest.” Normally I would have been pleased to see her wearing my clothing. Today I just didn’t feel much.

Emily:
I bit my lip and looked down at myself and tugged on the bottom of the shirt, this time more self consciously. "Yeah, I'll go take it off," I mumbled. I had put it on initially because it was the closest thing when I woke up and I was anxious to see if he was in the apartment. But I had kept it on because I liked wearing his clothes. Now I felt kind of silly. 

I half walked, half ran back to my room to change.

Ashton:


I took a long shower and shaved afterwards. I didn’t want to let myself go just because someone from my past surfaced. I went to my room with a towel around my waist. I spent nights in Emily’s room, but all my stuff was still in my room.

Emily:
I quickly changed out of the shirt and put on a pair of sweats and a tank top. I slipped my glasses on and went to the kitchen to grab something to eat. When I heard the bathroom door open, I glanced up to see Ash go into his own room. I sighed and set about making myself a sandwich, hating the feeling that something was different now. That he would push me away.

Ashton:

I came out dressed in a black t-shirt and plaid pajama bottoms. I sank into the couch with a glance toward the kitchen. She was getting something to eat. There was enough worry in my stomach to ward of hunger. I reached for the remote and turned the TV on to a random channel.

Emily:
I heard him walk out if his room and ill admit that the fact that he wasnt hiding away in his room actually made me feel better.

I finished my sandwich and leaned against the counter. I took a bite and glanced up, looking to see what channel he had turned on. I was hesitant about joining him on the couch.

Ashton:

It took me a few minutes to realize that she was lingering in the kitchen, purposefully staying away from me. What if she was distancing herself? Shouldn’t I let her? Wouldn’t it be better? I couldn’t stand it though. She was my lifeline. She had always thought the best of me even at my worst. Maybe I had said too much last night.

“Emily,” I sighed and was at a loss for what else I could say.

Emily:
I picked at the bread of my sandwich and looked up, half surprised that he was talking to me. Was him pulling away all in my head? Was it just what I expected because of how things were before we got together? 

"Yeah?" I asked, staying put. My voice sounded hopeful. For what, I wasn't sure. 

Whether he was pulling away from me or not, he was certainly acting odd after what happened last night. I just wanted to be there for him.

Ashton:

“Why are you in there?” I asked. I was worried she might be afraid of me after what I told her last night. She hadn’t acted afraid then, but she had time to adjust now. I wanted to ask her to come sit down with me, but I didn’t want to pressure her.

Emily:
I shrugged and pushed the remaining bits of my sandwich into the trash. "I don't know...I didn't want to make crumbs?" I lied. He knew it was a lie. I ate in the living room all the time. I was sure there was Lucky Charms cereal in the couch cushions as we spoke. 

After I disposed of the sandwich, I made my way to the couch and sat next to him. "How do you feel today?" I asked, glancing at him.

Ashton:

I watched her. “I feel like my past will forever haunt me no matter what I do. I feel like I said too much last night and I may have alienated the only person who could possibly get past what I have done,” I said while looking at the TV but not seeing or hearing what was on it.

Emily:
I looked at him in surprise and frowned. "What? Is that why you've been weird? You're worried that I'm gonna push you away?" I asked. 

I turned my body towards him and grabbed his chin so he would look at me. "I love you. That doesnt mean 'I love you only when you tell me things I like to hear.'" I told him seriously. "I can admit that hearing about you fighting and the drugs wasn't fun. But the only reason I'm upset is because I thought that seeing that girl last night was going to mess things up with us and that you were gonna push me away like before." I told him.

Ashton:

I looked at her when she pulled my chin. After her words I sighed and looked down. “Emily… How can you be okay with all the things I had done? How can you get past all that?” I looked her in the eyes again. I didn’t want to push her away again. I wanted to be with her. But I didn’t want to make her suffer for my sins.

Emily:
"Since I've known you, there have been countless opportunities for you to fight. If you wanted to, you could. You work at a bar for Gods sake and I know if you really wanted drugs, you could get them." I said. "But you don't want that stuff, do you?" I asked. I knew he didn't. But I wanted him to say it. If he needed help with the drugs, we could get it for him, but the first step was him knowing that he didn't want that life.

Ashton:

“I do want it. I crave it all the time. Not the fighting, but the thrill of it. And it’s a constant struggle not to go back to drugs. A struggle I have failed many times before. Don’t you see?” I sighed and leaned my head against the couch.

Emily:
"So why don't you do it then?" I asked, softly. "You could go out right now and find a fight and all the thrills you want," I told him. "Theres all the drugs you could ever need right outside that door," I said. "So what is stopping you from doing it?" I asked. I was asking genuinely. If he was right about himself and that failure was an inevitability, then I wanted to know right now. I just couldn't think of any reason he would be sitting here then.

Ashton:

“Because I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be like this,” I said and heaved another sigh. I looked at her. That’s what she wanted to hear. “But Emily, it a whole lot easier to give in than it is to fight it. I am not that strong.”

Emily:
I took a deep breath, relieved to hear him say that he didn't want to be that kind of person. But I knew he was still struggling. "Do you want help? From a professional?" I asked. It was clear that all I was doing was frustrating him with me not understanding what he was going through. And I didn't want to make it harder. 

I wanted to tell him that he was the strongest person I knew and that if anyone was capable of fighting this, it was him. But I kept my mouth shut and sat on my hands. I couldnt force him to see what I saw.

Ashton:

“No. I don’t want to talk to someone. I already did that in rehab. I know what they’ll say,” I said. It was an excuse. I just couldn’t stand going to someone for my problem. I would have to talk about the things I had done, and that would go badly for me. “It’s not as hard now that I’m with you. I have something to live for.”