University Roommates (Restart)

Ashton:

I let her leave without a word. She had to face this. There was nothing I could do for her. I hated myself for it.

I began gathering things from my room. I put a duffle bag on the bed and packed clothes into it. I had a gun that I brought with me and kept under my bed. I put it the bag with the clothes. I went to the bathroom next, packing toiletries and razors. I felt like shit, but this was the only option left. I couldn’t stay with her.

Emily:
When my sobs quieted into silent tears streaming down my face, I heard shuffling around. Probably packing if I knew Ashton. I knew he would leave, I wasn't going to get my hopes up that he would stay. He always ran away from me. 

I wanted to call Tasha but I couldn't. I couldn't call anyone. This was too big. A small part of me still didn't believe it. Hoped that he still wasn't telling me everything. There had to be more to the story.

And an even smaller part, one that scared me more than anything, didn't want him to leave either way. Even if he was guilty, I wanted him. 

I felt so frustrated and unsure about everything. I grabbed the closest thing to me, which happened to be a picture frame and threw it at the door. It shattered glass everywhere I started sobbing again.

Ashton:

I finished packing and I stopped by Emily’s door. I heard the thud and the glass shatter. I knocked quietly and pushed the door open. Instead of going in, I stood in the doorway.

“I’m so sorry for everything that happened. Please know I never wanted it to come to this. I tried to be a different person, but the person you love doesn’t exist. I wish you all the best Emily.” My tone was dead. All the life I had felt over the past few months with her had drained away. I turned and started down the hallway.

Emily:
I didn't consciously move, but suddenly I was on my feet, jumping over glass shards from the picture frame. "Wait!" I said, grabbing the back of his shirt. I still had tears on my face and my heart was breaking at his packed bag and half hearted apology. I wrapped my arms gently around his waist from behind and hugged him tight. "The person I love does exist. I didn't make you up," I mumbled into his shirt. "You're not telling me something. I dont know what it is, or if it would make this better at all, but I know you're not telling me something," I said. I wouldn't stop him from leaving if he wanted to go, but I wasn't going to stop trying to figure what happened to him.

Ashton:

I looked at the ceiling then closed my eyes. It was nothing but crushing pain in my chest when she put her arms around me. I couldn’t bring myself to break her hold. “Em… telling you about it wouldn’t make it better. It wouldn’t change anything. There is no silver lining. There’s nothing that I can say that will make what I did even remotely okay.” My voice cracked near the end.

Emily:
I didn't want to let him go. I pressed my lips against his shoulder, not quite a kiss but it was deliberate. If he was that bad...bad enough to kill someone in cold blood, then what was he doing with me? Was this whole thing a lie? I didn't believe that for a second. 
 
"Do you love me?" I asked in a whisper. If he loved me then he must trust me, at least a little bit. Must trust me enough to tell me everything.

Ashton:

I let out a breath. "How could I not love you? You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. Far, far more than I ever deserved," I said quietly. I should have said no. She would get over me faster if she could hate me. But I couldn't hurt her anymore than I already had.

Emily:
I couldn't help my shuddering exhale of relief at his words. I moved one of my hands down to his, where he was holding a duffle bag and wrapped my fingers around it. I didn't try to take it from his hand but my intent was clear. Don't go. 

I moved around him until I was in front of him and pressed myself closer to him again. He wasn't holding me back, but I only had one more request. I laid my head on his shoulder and skimmed my nose across his neck. "If you love me, then explain it to me. Even if its bad. Tell me exactly what happened..." I asked.

Ashton:

When she touched my hand, I let the duffle bag fall to the floor without thinking. My body just let go. She came around and pressed herself to me and all I wanted to do was embrace her. Hold her. Feed off the goodness that radiated from her. But I couldn’t do that.

I couldn’t give her any more hope of us being together in any capacity again. Not even holding her. She had to get over me and hanging onto her wouldn’t help her. So, I put my hand on her shoulder and nudged gently.

“Emily, I’ll tell you, if that’s what you really want. But you must understand that hearing it isn’t going to uncover something secret that will redeem me in any way. What happened should never have happened. I am irredeemable,” I said quietly.


((Sorry I've kept you waiting so long! Unfortunately replies are going to be more sparse now that school has started up again :/ ))

Emily:
My heart broke when he pushed me away but I still nodded. "I want to know everything." I told him. At the very least I wanted enough information to make my own judgement. I was so tired of him deciding how I should feel about him. 

((its okay, school just started for me too!))

Ashton:

“Maybe we should sit down first,” I suggested dully. My chest was tight. We went to the living room and instead of sitting next to her on the couch I sat on the ground with the coffee table between us. I let out a long breath. How was I to start? I had never told anyone. Kristen was the only one who knew, but she had been there through it.

“The guy… Mark. He was one of the guys who fought at the club I told you about,” I spoke slowly. It was an effort to force the words from my mouth. “That was where it happened.” My heart beat heavily. I could feel it through my whole body.

Emily:
I took a deep breath when he started and tried to brace myself for anything. I could tell this was hard for him and all I wanted to do was reach over and hug him. I sat on my hands and nodded for him to continue.

Ashton:

I was silent for a long moment trying to decide what I said next. “Kristen, my girlfriend at the time… We were living together. There was a night when she didn’t come home after her night shift as a waitress. She didn’t answer her phone when I called her. It was a bad neighborhood. I thought something happened to her. When I called the restaurant, they said she had left with a guy she knew.” I stared down at the table. Talking about it now, it didn’t seem like I was talking about myself. That wasn’t the person I was anymore, I knew that deep down, but I couldn’t forget what I had done.

Emily:
I bit my lip hard as the story continued tried to listen with an open mind. "What happened next?" I whispered, not wanting to hear it, but knowing I had to.

Ashton:

“When she came home the next day I confronted her about it and she started crying. She didn’t deny it. She said she said Mark had come into the restaurant and stayed until she got off. She said he wanted to walk her to her car.” My tone took on one of hatred, “she said he pushed her into the car and took her keys. He took her back to his place.” I grit my teeth. “She said he raped her.”

Emily:
I put a hand over my mouth as tears started streaming down my face. I had a pretty good idea about what had happened now.

Ashton:

“I couldn’t bear that. I could have left it alone if I thought she had cheated on me. I could have left her. I would have hated him, but I couldn’t have taken that out in a normal match. But this was different. I thought he raped her. And I wasn’t there to protect her. I went crazy from it.” I shook my head slightly from side to side.

“She begged me not to do anything. She didn’t want to go to the police. She didn’t want me to take action of any kind. I knew I would see him though, we had a match every so often. I knew I would mess him up…” I took in a slow, painful breath. “I didn’t think… I didn’t plan… to kill him. I just…Fuck.”

I put my elbows on the coffee table and put my face in my hands with my palms over my eyes. “He came into the club the next night. It wasn’t his night to fight, but he came in anyways, I guess for some extra practice. I was in the training room. When he came in… Fuck… He started taunting me. He said he fucked my girlfriend and I lost it. I had no control. He was ready for me, he wanted the fight. But I didn’t stop. I just… I couldn’t fucking stop…” I was shaking now.

Emily:
I was full on crying now. I could see that he was haunted by this. I could see that he felt guilty and horrible and it was causing my physical pain to not touch him. 

I was horrified at the situation but I knew it wasn't for the reason he might think I would be. I couldn't say that he hadn't done anything wrong because he had. There was no doubt about it. But he wasn't a cold blooded killer like he thought he was. He was defending his girlfriend. Not to mention, the kind of fighting he participated in was dangerous to begin with. Anyone could have been accidentally killed. But I knew it wasn't the time to say any of this. 

"So what happened to Kristen? Why did you react so horribly to seeing her?" I asked, sniffling, confused.

Ashton:

I swallowed. “She found me afterward. She was horrified but she helped me get out of there. When we got away she started screaming at me. She said I… I murdered an innocent man.” I moved my hands up and gripped my hair. “She lied. She lied about that night because she panicked. She lied and I beat someone to death…”

Emily:
I felt my mouth drop open. I was flooded with a red hot anger for this girl that I had never experienced before in my life. I felt myself stand up and start to pace. "Fuck, Ash!" I yelled, so mad that this was something that he had to live with for the rest of his life because that poor excuse for a person had manipulated and lied to him.

I felt like I couldnt breathe. It was so much information to take in, so much hurt and anger and pain. "Is that the whole story?" I asked, pausing my pacing.

Ashton:

I flinched when she yelled, but otherwise, I was unmoving. “The rest you more or less know. Drugs, overdose, rehab.” She would pass judgment now. Decide that she had been wrong about me. The goodness she thought she saw in me was her own imagination working out a fictional love story.

Emily:
I sat back down on the couch and put my head in my hands. With that added piece of the puzzle, everything started to make sense. Why he always thought so poorly of himself. Who wouldnt if they carried around guilt like this? Why he was so reluctant to be with me. After his last relationship, its a wonder he stuck around this long. 

"What happened this morning?" I asked. He hadn't answered that yet. "Who was at the door?" I asked him. Whoever it was had him packing his bags, so I wanted to know.

Ashton:

“Kristen. I guess she followed me home last night. She must have been waiting. She wanted me to give her money. I made her leave,” I said almost robotically. I was drained.

Emily:
"She knows where we live?" I asked, incredulously. I lifted my head to look at him and all the fight seemed to flow right out me me. He looked tired and drained and haunted. It reminded me of what he had looked like the other day after we got home from the bar the day he saw Kristen. 

He couldn't leave. I had a feeling if he did, he would do something he would regret, like smoke or drink or drugs. 

I got off the couch and sat next to him on the floor. I didn't touch him, figuring he didnt want me to. "Please don't leave Ash. At least stay a few more days until we figure this out," I said.

Ashton:

I looked at her then. Her cheeks were wet and her eyes were watery. “This isn’t something we need to figure out. This isn't your problem. I shouldn't have even told you. I don't know if that makes you an accessory or not... I certainly can't say." I couldn't believe that she still wanted to be around me. She was sitting next to a murderer. she should be calling the police.